My First Deep Dive

Part 1 of my introspective journey

I’ve had several folk reach out to me about my last three posts, a series on being cast out of a community. Turns out, I’m not alone in experiencing ostracization.

After writing those, I had a few days where I woke up feeling really good. Better than I’ve felt in awhile. I felt like I was speaking truth to some perpetuated bullshit in our community.

Maybe that’s why I’m going to take this further. Allow me to offer you some of my backstory on how I became someone who thinks she’s expert enough to offer support on becoming a good friend to oneself.

**Please be advised this shit is about to get deep & delve into uncomfortable topics. Here is the thing: Becoming a better friend to oneself involves healing, which involves tending to wounds, which involves dealing with uncomfortable shit. I can’t avoid it if I’m doing my job. All I can do is warn you about it so you can decide when you’d like to read this, if at all.**

I was twenty-one when I did my first introspective deep-dive.

At that time, I had just earned a D in Organic Chemistry which prevented me from finishing my last year of college as a Bio major. If I wanted to retake the class, I’d have to wait a full year for the Fall term to swing back around.

Now, being the child of Indian immigrants, I was raised very conservatively in some manners. As such, I had waited till my early twenties before having sex. Unfortunately, waiting that long did not ensure me a positive first experience. Like many first-timers, I had gotten myself into a situation that I didn’t know how to get out of. So instead of speaking up and saying

‘Actually I changed my mind, let’s spoon instead’,

I just went through with it.

Turns out, doing so was my deepest act of self-betrayal…

…and I was going to spend the next few months pretending that wasn’t true.

So I got depressed.

Because I couldn’t fully move forward with my degree, I dropped out of college for a term. I also quit my new job as a tech-support and lived off my savings.

Without work, school, a partner or kids, I was able to explore the dark side. MY dark side.

For days, I lay in bed agonizing over all the cringy things I’ve ever said and done…combing through recent years, back into my teens, all the way to childhood.

Days grew into weeks as I brought up all the fake ways I’d been in the world - like laughing at jokes I didn’t really get or pretending I was chewing gum when I wanted to feel cool in middle school (lol, I didn’t have real gum).

Weeks turned into months as I faced the meanest version of me - that time I pressed my friend to admit she wasn’t as smart as me.

I had some concept in my mind that if I faced all of this ick and came to terms with it, it would set me free.

That part was true.

I no longer walk around afraid someone might reflect back something that I don’t want to see in myself. I’ve already acknowledged it and made peace.

I also hypothesized if I continued on this downward spiral, that I’d come out on the other side of the upward spiral into some pure land of enlightenment.

I was wrong about that.

One day I was lying in bed as usual, curled up in a heap of despair, when I had a vision. Maybe it was an out-of-body experience because my point of view was hovering near the ceiling, looking down at myself. Instead of my flesh, what I saw was a skeleton of me curled in the exact position my body was currently in.

That is when I realized the downward spiral leads to death.

After all, I wasn’t eating much during those months and I was sort of wasting away. Apparently, while confronting our dark side is beneficial, there is such a thing as going too far.

In the instant I had the vision of my lil’ skeleton curled up like that, I stopped downward-spiraling and began to make my way back up.

It was a slog.

I didn’t know where the path to healing lay.

This was 1996 and the internet was still empty of resources. Podcasts didn’t exist. Oprah and Brené hadn’t come to our rescue yet and self-help wasn’t the $65 billion market it is today.¹

So I began to sniff around the original wound, the one that sent me reeling down the spiral.

You would think that in all that facing my dark-side stuff that I’d have confronted the actual mistake I had made: sleeping with the wrong guy. But no, actually I was blaming him entirely.

Step one of healing is to admit the wound & experience the surrounding feelings.

When I finally faced the wound, I discovered my shame at putting my own needs aside. I hadn’t advocated for myself. I also realized I’d actually sent my inner child away that night to protect her from the awfulness of doing something that I didn’t want to do. A total break in my integrity, a breach of my self-trust - I didn’t want her to see that.

This was the wound that needed healing. But instead of facing it and tending to the wound, I spent three months avoiding it -ironically, avoiding it while facing every other dumb thing I’ve done, but avoiding it nonetheless.

This created an even deeper wound.

So the solution became clear. Let me tend to the wound..

..and meet myself without judgment and instead with gentle nurturing.

Step two of healing involves asking oneself with genuine care: What was going on for me when I made my ineffective decision?

A whisper of the truth came up: I was afraid that if I said ‘stop’ and he didn’t, then it would be rape…and I didn’t want to be raped. So I didn’t say ‘Stop, I changed my mind!’ Instead, I wanted him to read my mind..to pick up on signals of my discomfort. Which he did not (or ignored).

Oof.

Step three of healing: Meet oneself with empathy.

That felt like a really scary situation to be in..and I told myself how sorry I was to put myself in that position with someone I didn’t trust.

I cried a lot of tears and pleaded for my inner child to come back to me. If she was there, her guiding voice had gone quiet. I made a promise to her that I’d never cast her away again.. that she could have the passenger seat in this vehicle and that I’d always follow her guidance..because honestly, my girl has great instincts.

Step four of healing involves asking oneself: What would I do differently next time?

If you’ve ever had an experience incessantly hound you, nipping at your heels- I think it is because our brain doesn’t trust that we’ve learned the lesson yet. This step helps our brain let go of the event because we’ve identified a more effective path for future use.

What I would do differently is that I’d listen to my inner guidance and share the best of me with only those who’ve earned my trust.

It took several months to regain my self-trust and many more years to really solidify it. It involves taking one step at a time and in every step making sure it is in alignment with my values.

It involves listening to the subtle guidance within me:

• Did something make me tense up? Cringe? Hold my breath? Did my mood just drop a level?

• Or did something make me light up? Relax my shoulders? Deepen my breathing? Feel at ease?

• What am I feeling? What do I need? Do I have an intuition? Did I receive any other guidance from within?

I’ve kept my promise to my inner lil’ boo by listening to all of these guidance systems with most every step. When I mess up, I try and acknowledge it sooner than later so I can learn from it and forgive myself..which is the final step.

Step five of healing is to forgive oneself.

Earlier I said that making my poor choice where I didn’t advocate for my needs was my deepest act of self-betrayal, but I hope you noticed that it wasn’t making a poor choice that was the problem; it was the pretending, the ignoring, the dismissing of my own experience that was the deepest act of self-betrayal. For three months, I didn’t acknowledge my feelings of shame for the role I played in my own injury. Acknowledging my inner truth wasn’t when I suffered most, it’s when my suffering transformed into learning and healing began.

How can we love ourselves if we have parts that we refuse to acknowledge?

We’re allowed to screw up.

Being human is a bumbling experience and when we know better, we do better.

Once again, the steps that helped me heal:

1. Admit the wound & feel our feelings.

2. Ask: What was going on for me when I made the ineffective decision?

   [We can also ask: What was going on for the other person?]

3. Meet oneself with loving empathy.

4. Ask: What would I do differently?

5. Forgive myself and let it go.

If we can admit our ineffective behaviors sooner, we’ll suffer less…and while it’s an inevitable part of life, I’m all for less suffering.

The great spiritual irony is that leaning into our suffering is the way to suffer less.

Sidenote: I think there is a lot more to say on some of these topics and so I’ll likely do a follow-up post.

1. https://www.thebusinessresearchcompany.com/report/self-improvement-products-and-services-global-market-report